Biggest Myth of All Time: "The Crust is the Best Part"

"The crust is the best part."

This is the most insane myth of all time. It just boggles my extremely intelligent mind (if that were possible) that people would EVER actually claim such a thing to be true.

I don't care what it is.

Whether it be pizza, a sandwich, and um...I can't think of anything else with crust, (pizza and sandwiches make up about 78.5 percent of the normal lunch diet of non-vegetarian American humans) but crust is not the best part.

The best foods are mostly the simple foods: french fries, mac and cheese, hamburgers. In other words, foods that kids like. So who better to judge if crust is really the best part than the collective group of snot-covered, bed-wetting five year olds? (There really is probably many other groups who would be better at judging food, most notably food critics, but I'm trying to make a point here.)

I can think back to when I was five, and while it is true that I do not remember much, I definitely recall not enjoying the outer edge of the bread on my PB&J (otherwise known as "crust"). And I'm pretty sure I was not alone in the pre-school community with this preference.

There is actually a product made called "Uncrustables." Terrible grammar? Yes. Catchy? Still, yes. But that is beside the point.

They're called UN-crustables.

If the crust really was the best part, technology is to the point where we could probably make an all crust bread. If we can fly to the moon and watch events taking place on the other side of the planet live, I'm pretty sure making an all crust bread wouldn't be a huge hurdle for modern science and culinary skill.

(Quick tangent: Does anybody actually like gourmet food? More expensive, less quantity, looks better than it tastes, features all sorts of wacky ingredients; yet somehow it has been decided that a truffle encrusted ball of gorgonzola cheese is better than a basket of french fries. No wonder we're in danger of being overtaken by robot supercomputers in the next 50 years.)

The point is, that crust is far inferior to the soft, angelic, melt in your mouth, center of a good piece of bread. Why do you think the crust is on the outside? Is it because the way bread is cooked makes it that way? Actually, yes, but there is also another reason, and it isn't because it holds the ingredients on the inside of the sandwich in. The reason is that you're supposed to work your way around the outside, so you can get to the more satisfying center. Any good sandwich eater takes on this strategy of maneuvering around the center by first eating the crust to ensure that the last bite taken has the maximum flavor potential (condiments and toppings usually tend to gravitate towards the center as well). And if you did not know that vital sequence of sandwich eating strategy, consider yourself welcomed.

If I ever have another person tell me that "the crust is the best part" I might have to literally tear their face off (but really just figuratively). And if you do think that crust really is better than the centerpiece of the food, don't mention it to me. Mainly don't mention it because I will have you investigated for mental stability and maybe get you thrown into an asylum.

Just do yourselves a favor "crust lovers."

SHUT IT.