Everybody loves Bugs Bunny. Everybody loves Tom & Jerry. Everybody loves whatever the name of the show with the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote. So why in the heck do turd sandwiches of children's cartoons like Dora the Explorer exist?
Now, Dora isn't the only offender of this horrible crime, but it is by far the number one example.
I challenge you to go to a preschool and NOT find a Dora the Explorer backpack, lunch box, or t-shirt.
It's ridiculous.
How do so many people let their children carry around apparel with a fat, stupid girl disgracing the outer shell? In the words of the great Mike Gundy: "makes me wanna puke."
If there was an Evil Power Rankings, (wait, there can be an Evil Power Rankings. I can do whatever I want, this is a stinking blog!) this is how it would go:
Top 5 Evil Entities
1. Satan
2. Osama bin Laden
3. Dora the Explorer
4. The Iranian Dictator with the Super Long Name That I'm Too Lazy To Look Up/Write Down
5. Ben Roethlisberger (Philip Rivers will always be better)
Osama has been holding on to that number two spot for quite a long time, and Dora is making a strong push right now. It's quite possible, in fact, probable that Dora has more followers than Osama. Osama's absence from existence also puts him in serious Jeopardy of losing the two spot. It's a matter of when at this point, not if.
Maybe these statements can be seen as a bit "hyperbolic" or "over the top," but if I wasn't protected by the soft safety blanket that is the Internet, I might be taken away by Dora's army of super villians in training right now.
The big question is "what in the world was wrong with the other cartoons?" What super innovative technology has the Dora the Explorer (now to be known as Generation eXp) come up with? Oh yeah, NONE!
All the while, Bill Gates and his Mickey Mouse (not the biggest fan, but he's alright) influenced brain was busy producing software for the single most important piece of technology possibly in human history.
Not bad, Mickey. Not bad at all.
We've seen what the non-Dora frame of mind produces: nuclear bombs, space travel, fried chicken; all extraordinarily amazing and incredible things that are unfathomable.
We are slowly devolving as a society, and there is one mastermind behind all of this- Dora the Explorer. What a feeble attempt to educate/entertain our children. Cartoons weren't broken, why fix them?
What four year old doesn't love seeing a cartoon cat get beat up by a tiny, crafty cartoon mouse for 20 solid minutes? Heck, what PERSON doesn't enjoy seeing a cartoon cat get beat up by a tiny, crafty cartoon mouse for 20 solid minutes? Any sane person does, that's for sure.
America has gone away from a basic formula on which it's people thrived: cartoon animal on cartoon animal violence. That's solid gold and we've flushed it down the toilet and are left with what remains.
Remains happen to also have another name- waste. That's all Dora the Explorer is, a waste of time, energy, and brain space. And the sad thing is that it's all unfolding right in front of out eyes.
How has nobody noticed the connection between the wimpification of children and the wimpifaction of cartoons? Well, now people should notice, and it's time to change. Change to what is right: cartoon animals beating the living feces out of their peers.
It's time to start the Anti-Dora Revolution!
You probably don't care, but you should;
-The Genius (aka the Anti-Dora)
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